In a prior blog, I talked about having the right motives in all we do. Additionally, I provided some questions that could help steer us along in case our motives needed checking. I want to stop for a moment and piggy-back off of one of those questions because I believe there is some healing that needs to take place surrounding it. I stated that one way to make sure we have the right motive is to ask ourselves, “Am I doing this to prove someone wrong?” If the answer is yes, we are secretly waiting for the moment when that person finally acknowledges our greatness. But what if we never get that? What if what we long to hear is never said? There are several two phrased words some us desire to hear from the ones we love:
I’m sorry. You’re right. I’m wrong. Forgive me. Love you. Come back. Don’t go. Good job. Never again. You’re beautiful. My fault. Blame me. Be mine. You’re forgiven.
We say, “Gosh if I could just try harder, they’ll understand they were wrong. If I change this much, surely they will notice. If I achieve this, they will finally express their love for me. Maybe if I accomplish what they said I couldn’t, they’ll apologize.” But what if that never happens? What if those two words are never said?
I remember, 10 years ago, I had just graduated from college. I immediately walked into corporate America for my first job as a sales analyst. In other blogs, I’ve talked about my strengths and giftings, and walking into sales analytics was not one of them. For the first two years, I stumbled and made several mistakes. However, I was paired with a mentor who helped me immensely. She was phenomenal. I think, however, my stumbling and slow pace started to irritate her and through the grapevine, instead of addressing me or guiding me, she began to talk about me and make very snippy, passive-aggressive comments. Some of those comments were hurtful, but I decided to respectfully sit down with her and talk things out. I pulled her aside, explained the situation and kindly asked the reasoning behind her remarks. It was in that moment that she became very defensive and told me she didn’t’ think I was qualified for my role. Once again, I decided to be the bigger person, and said, “Let’s just start over. I see you as a big sister.” I gave her a hug and we left on better terms. However, during that entire conversation, not one time did she apologize, nor has she yet.
After applauding myself for showing kindness, I sat down in my chair, thought about what she said, and became infuriated: ….oh I wish I could have said this…ooh, I should have said that…no she did not come at me like that? Even years later, there were moments of wanting to rub my life in her face: Yeah, you said this about my lifestyle, but I bet you’re not out of debt. You said this about my motherhood, but my two children are blessed and well taken care of. You said this about my role, but I’ve been promoted twice! Okay, now I’m getting a little petty, LOL. In all honesty, the situation truly doesn’t bother me anymore and I respect this person, still, but those are the honest thoughts and emotions I had. I wanted her to recognize that she was wrong, and to admit.
You see, there is something about those two words (whatever they may be for you) that help us heal when we hear them. Unfortunately, someone could recognize what they need to say to us but never say them. Their silence keeps us from closing certain chapters of our lives and moving on. However, we have to learn to close those chapters. In doing so, I, personally, realized that halting my progress or over-aggressively pursuing my goal based on what someone doesn’t say gives one person the power to control my life, and that power is given to someone who is in need of healing. Let me explain. People avoid saying the things we long to hear for a few of several reasons:
- They are not comfortable with being vulnerable.
- They want to avoid conflict
- To admit they did something bad means that they are
- To admit full responsibility means the other party is free from what they did.
- They believe it’s a sign of weakness
- It’s their defense mechanism.
- They fear what might be said in return.
- They truly just don’t know how. They are doing what they’ve been taught.
Do you hear some of those reasons- avoidance, weakness, defense, and fear? These are negative emotions that are in need of healing on their end and until they confront situations in their lives that were the cause of those negative emotions, they will treat everyone they encounter that way. It’s their pride issue. It’s NOT a YOU issue.
And that’s the mistake WE make. When someone doesn’t say something we believe they should say, we start saying, “Something must be wrong with me. Maybe I should fix this. I’m not good enough.” And then we go into a frenzy of doing things to get them to say what we long to hear. That’s where WE error (and need healing) because of our basis and premise for what we do become focused on not what we want, but what we want from someone else. This could take us down a road leading us further away from our destiny and miss our purpose altogether.
Instead, I have learned and practice the power of God words which trumps all words spoken and unspoken. His two words are spoken confidently over my life: I’m enough (when someone walked away). I’m forgiven (when I made a mistake). I’m loved (when someone doesn’t treat me the right way). I’m special (when I feel unnoticed). I’m healed (when a loved one doesn’t understand how they hurt me). I’m victorious. I’m worthy… I give those words power! Those words don’t come from a broken place. They flow from the healer himself, the redeemer, our savior, and our friend. So, when I’m challenged to be okay with not hearing something they will never say, I challenge myself to embrace His words that are constantly being spoken over me. His words are truth and everlasting. For challenges, videos, and daily devotions click here.